Teleport Authority: keeping you safe


Following yesterday's release about Accelerooo’s InstaGate teleportation turnstile technology, concerns have been raised about safety & security during lightspeed transit. To address those concerns, we have brought in the Director of Security of the Teleport Authority to say more.

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About the Teleport Authority

This newly-formed regulating body, the Teleport Authority was created through the Portal Security Act in response to safety concerns about human molecular reconstitution and the implications of tidal waves of instant travel across international borders.


Your health & safety is our utmost priority


We think your personal space should be as secure as the border. That means enthusiastic consent and this applies to everyone. Consent is: Freely-given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific.

There will be performers on stage, and immersed throughout Manhattan. Do not touch the performers or their gear unless invited to do so.

Though bubbles are bottomless, we expect travelers to maintain a level of composure required to give and perceive consent. If you accidentally overdo it, we will find you the space you need to settle and get home safe.


Reconsitution checkers

Our officers are available on-site to ensure that you rematerialize as planned and that your experience is lawful, orderly, and peaceful. If you need assistance, or experience a situation that needs de-escalating, look for a Teleport Authority Agent who will come to your aid. If you see something, say something.

Be prepared for some pre-planned “Emergencies”. If you are experiencing an actual emergency while in attendance, a safeword has been chosen: “Shortcake”. Say this to any of our staff or actors and they’ll immediately break character and address the situation.


COVID tests are required

Please take a rapid covid test after 3pm on Sat Dec 31st. Our officers will be checking your date/time-stamped photos of your negative COVID test status at the door.

A limited number of rapid tests are available for sale at the door for $11 each, while supplies last. Do not rely on this, as if we sell out of tests and you haven’t tested, you will not be admitted.


Masks are optional

When asked about this controversial choice, amid a global pandemic, Teleport Authority Department Supervisor Johnny “Fingers” Hudson told Flocks News reporters, “it’s like my mother used to say, you can’t drink champagne with a mask on, you can’t have New Year’s Eve without champagne, you gotta do what you gotta do."


Attention to derail

Teleport Authority Director of Security, Pearce L’Hymen, released the following statement:

The Teleport Authority has a vital mission: to secure the city of New York from the many threats we face. This requires the hard work of staff and volunteers in jobs that range from teleportation, aviation, and border security to molecularization analysis, photon inspection, and emergency rift response. Our duties are wide-ranging, and our goal is clear - keeping our city safe.

With honor and integrity, we will safeguard the people of New York, our homeland, and our values. Iacta Alea Est.


Challenge your mind and use your skills and talents with an unpaid internship with the Teleport authority. Our team plays a vital role to secure our cities and preserve our freedoms. Please contact: